Ok, worst night version 1.2:

My day was spent volunterring for Sustain Mizzou's Green Team. Marybeth and I joined Sustain Mizzou, an environmentalist group, and it has a great agenda, kind people, and is much more organized than many of the high school clubs I ever joined. Well, anyway, a building at MU called Anheuser-Busch is paying Sustain Mizzou $1000 for each football game to have them distribute recycling bags to the people in the parking lots who are tailgating. The typically budget for the year is $130 and there are six home games so that's $6,000, a considerable amount of money. Those people with recycling bags would then, at least they were told to, tie the bags up and set them next to the trash. Then at the end of the game we would pick the bigs up and the city would take them away to the recycling center.

Marybeth and I disributed these bags across a huge sector of the parking lot for 5 and a half hours last night, with about an hour break. It was very tiring because people would keep coming in and you wouldn't know where they would park so we would walk back and forth the parking lot to make sure everyone had bags. We thought we would be there from 2 pm - 6 pm, but we ended up staying until 7:45 because they needed us to do additional work. We had to go around to the recycling receptacles that were at the gates and empty the contents into new bags since the bags that were in there caved in because they had no rubber bands holding the bags to the can. This was a disgusting process since our gloved hands wreaked of beer, and it was also difficult to do it. We had to find all the bags that people didn't place near the cans and tie them up and do it for them as our last thing. All this may sound a lot easier than I am making it out to be, but it really was tiring to be on walking around for five hours.

So they finally told us we could take an hour break and eat dinner so we walked 15 minutes to the downtown area and ate at Chipotle. Mind you I had a headache throughout the day and my back hurt through a lot of it too. I was so hungry though since we hadn't eaten in 7 hours. They provided water and I had some oranges, but that didn't satisfy me much. So I scarfed down a burrito way faster than I should have. My body was not prepared to have a lot of food in a little bit of time after a lot of work. I have tended to get headaches in the past if I don't eat meals at the proper time and if I am doing work. The only reason I didn't have them while I was fasting was because I was generally pretty inactive during those two days.

So we are done eating, we walk back to the stadium and they tell us we can leave. That made us very happy. We returned to the dorms and I did would I could to deal with the headache--took two pills, a vitamin for the day, loosened up, went to the bathroom, and turned the air on. I collapsed for a half hour and then Gabe signed online and I was happy to talk to her, but my headache's intensity amplified by a million when I woke up. So we were talking and I felt so uneasy like I did when I used to have horrible migraines as a child. In pre-school the only thing that would ease the pain was to throw up. I didn't want to throw up because that hurts so I tried to resist, but after a while I just couldn't take it anymore so I grabbed the trash can. I did this one more time and the pain finally began to subside. I stayed awake for about another hour after Gabe signed off and my headache was gone entirely. This wasn't the end of it though.

I was pleasantly awoken at 4:00 by my roommate sitting in his chair smoking with a bright light on and his music blasting through his headphones. He also turned the air off, the only thing that was making me comfortable. On top of this, my headache was replaced with an equally bad stomach ache. I just layed there helplessly until he decided to leave the room for a cigarette, most likely. I was so pissed off at him, but I didn't do anything of course. I just turned the air on and tried to go back to sleep. He came back for more weed-smoking in the room, but he too finally decided to go to sleep around 4:30 or so, I didn't fall asleep again until 5:15 maybe.

Now that I have it all written down it doesn't even seem like it happened. I was so angry last night, but when I woke up today I felt alright. I need to do something about the roommate though. He has no respect for my sleep, and whenever I am awake when he isn't (which is usually at normal times of day anyway--he sleeps until like 1:30 PM every day) I am as quiet as I can, don't turn on lights, play music on headphones that cannot be heard outside of the headphones, and I always just quietly move around. Also, I filled the fridge with five water bottles the other day, and I come back and four of them are gone. Who the hell does this person think he is? I just heard him talk on the phone to some friend that he "got drunk 4 nights in a row and ate mushrooms and got drunk last night." Also, the other night he said he hadn't been to one of his classes yet! Even though I am pretty sure he will flunk out at the semester, I might only spend a semester here and I don't need to be living like this.

So my options are to talk to him, and I would have to remain calm during the talk since a bursting outrage would only make things worse and awkward. But I deserve to be angry! I don't want to be calm if I ever do talk! Or I guess I could just bust him while he's smoking in the room, or tell an RA that he gets high five times a day, but not to mention me. Or I could just blackmail him, but I wouldn't do that for he could frame me or do something foul. Or I could just not do anything and hope for him to improve on his own which is likely what I'll do since I feel awkward about things like this, even though something must be done. I am too passive. I allow for myself to be trampled on.

I decided out of all of this that when I am older and when this becomes a possibility, I want to live apart from society because the masses scare me. I choke up sometimes while I see all the bad things that people do and I can't do anything to stop it. I don't like watching people stupidly eat meat and throw away rycyclables in trash cans and be rude to others and do countless other things that I didn't witness last night. I just want to be with those who I care about and limit integration that I have with the whole. I still care about soceity and want to help it, but I don't want to BE in it. I realize that I cannot be apart from people altogether and would integrate at my work and while I shop, and other times too. I just can't handle all the evils that so many human acts are reducable to, that are so visible to me here at this college and everywhere else that I go. People are generally the same everywhere in America, or at least the places that I've been to; I notice no difference between Wisconsinites and Missourians. There's not much you can do to change people, and I don't feel that it's me who needs a lot of changing here. People will go on as they will and sometimes I feel like I don't belong in society at all. I become immobilized. My will to live shrinks and my heart feels so much pain. The only things that keep me movitated are the people I love and glimpses of hope I have for my future.